Republican Divorce Proposal
There is an email bouncing around the Internet written by third year law student John Wall in which he (humorously?) offers to divide America by party affiliation. Here’s a PDF of his proposal. Why I decided to spend two hours responding no one knows.
******
Dear Mr. Wall, duly appointed representative of American conservatives, wingers, fascists, ditto-heads, and all others who believe the only relevant portion of the Constitution is the Second Amendment, et. al.:
We accept your proposal! Yes, we have stuck together since the 1950’s (since 1776 frankly), but your sad refusal to admit that the current economic crisis was caused by the eight year administration of a man who can’t spell “deficit” augers for the divorce you requested. Although we happen to think that our sides share many beliefs, your stubborn refusal to accept blame for any of the myriad issues facing this Country means our relationship must end. I would suggest we end it on friendly terms but — let’s be honest — your track record on this front is pretty poor. So we think the better alternative is to simply ignore one another. You seem pretty adept at ignoring those you don’t agree with, this should be a no-brainer. (Something else you’re good at!).
Here is a model separation agreement:
You suggest each group equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. As a law student I might have hoped you would understand the ideas of “equitable distribution” and distribution proportionally “by landmass” are two different concepts (did you mean to say proportionally by population?) but no matter: you can have the less educated, more heavily subsidized middle portion of the country that favors your party, we’ll take the better educated, more affluent coasts and big cities that favor ours. We will agree to assume responsibility for the nightmare you’ve made of New Orleans if you toss in Chicago (it’s another big smart city, you don’t want it anyway). You can have Florida, New Jersey, and Oregon. We will take all persons of color with the temerity to occupy your regions. You can have the white-priders and neo-nazi’s living in ours.
Your first offer of “redistributive taxes” is rejected. We simply don’t know what “redistributive taxes” are. If you are referring to a tax structure designed to allow our poorest persons the chance to achieve the American dream, move into the middle class (or higher), then pay back that benefit to those who come after them then, yes, we will take it. By the way, you mention you are a law student. Just as an aside, how much did you pay in taxes this year? How much did you pay in tuition? Was your tuition subsidized by State funds, donor grants, or low-interest government loans? Just asking, that’s all.
Next, thank you, we will take the so-called “liberal judges.” It will be impossible to identify them since part of the judicial code of ethics states that they are not allowed to accept party affiliation or comment about political issues but we can start by giving you the “conservative judges” like Scalia and Thomas (they are less concerned about these issues). If by “liberal judges” you mean judges who believe legislators are forbidden from passing laws that violate the Constitutional rights of American citizens then, yes, we would like those people. And we will gladly take the American Civil Liberties Union. I know they irritate you, what with their belief in the rights of citizens. Silly jerks.
Yes we hate war. We believe it is a “necessary evil” to be avoided if possible. I guess this means you like war? I’m going to go out on a limb here and surmise you’ve never served in one. In that regard you are entitled to take as much of the military as will go your way. A suggestion: you might want to keep that “likes war” stuff under wraps. Believe it or not military guys don’t really cotton to being sent to their deaths by spoiled law students who “like war.”
You cannot have all of the guns. We like guns too. We like them so much we think they should be kept locked in safes. We don’t want them stolen by children or thieves. In our experience this leads to bad things. We will continue to regulate the types of guns we allow our citizens to own. This is in accord with our reading of the Second Amendment which states that the right is necessary so far as to arm “well regulated militias.” Since you fellers think that part is superfluous you probably should take it out of whatever new Constitution your beloved corporations allow you to have.
You can have the NRA.
We’ll take Oprah (the billionaire entrepreneur), Michael Moore (a dissident who puts his hope before money), and Rosie O’Donnell (friend of Madonna). In exchange you are required to take Rush (the hypocritical junkie who used his political connections to avoid jail), Karl Rove (a man so cynical he cast your own John McCain as a traitor), and Dick Cheney (just a fucking asshole). Good luck telling them apart.
We intend to have a capitalist economy as well. Our form of capitalism will have rules designed to ensure that corporations are rewarded for producing quality products and services and disincentives for those that make money through dishonest and illegal practices. Our capitalism will reward executives and boards of directors interested in the long-term stability of corporations. We think this encourages people to invest in companies. You can have your “greedy corporations” (your word, not ours) that equates short-term selfish thinking with capitalism. We’ll take our smaller, independent stores that believe fiscal stability and quality products create loyal customers. You can have Wal-Mart and Home Depot. We will take Warren Buffet. You can have Bernie Madoff.
We will take the homeless, the “homeboys,” the “hippies,” and the illegal aliens. In that regard we will also take the Constitution and the Statue of Liberty. Let’s face it, it doesn’t sound like you have much interest in all of that “all men are created equal” and “give us your tired [and] your poor” mumbo anyway. It’s enough to make you think the Founding Fathers were some kinda socialists!
You can have the so-called “hot Alaskan hockey mom”; we’ll take Tina Fey.
You can have that “kick-ass” Jesus who rides a massive white steed, lops the heads from his enemies with a fiery sword, and cures Ted Haggard of all that icky-gayness. We’ll take the humble Jesus that washes the feet of sinners and dares rich men to enter heaven by hoarding their gains. In that vein we aren’t sure why you want those Bibles. Wouldn’t you prefer a few million poorly crafted Left Behind books instead?
You can have the rednecks, thank you.
We will practice diplomacy until it is no longer feasible. We will enter war reluctantly. You go on “hammering stuff” till you obtain peace. Oops, my bad. I forgot, you “like war” don’t you? So I guess you aren’t looking for peace then. Hmmm…well what are you looking for then? Take this Iraq thing. Ever since Bush admitted it was a mistake we’ve been having a devil of a time figuring out what the fucking point is (considering it was Afghanis and Saudis who attacked the Trade Center after all). Can you tell us?
We will gladly accept your offer of all religious beliefs. Again, this is part of that pesky Constitution thing, you don’t care I apologize for boring you. As for Shirley McClaim, we barely remember who she is, much less why we shouldn’t want her. That being said your sheer dislike of her makes her seem pretty endearing. We’ll take her!
The U.N. is in New York which we already have agreed is rightly ours so your offer is worthless. Just so you know, you will be the ONLY nation on the planet that isn’t part of the U.N. Some people might call that the courage of your convictions. Others might call it the righteous indignation of the hopelessly petulant. Six of one I suppose.
The SUVs, the pickup trucks, and the oversized luxury cars are yours. We sincerely hope you feel good about giving your hard-earned money to the oil barons you vow to “hammer.”
We, like 95% of the western world, will give our people health care, thank you. We will even give it to petulant graduate students who earn no money while they live off of the subsidized benefit of our education system. We are nothing if not charitable.
You can have the The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem so long as we get God Bless America. (Let’s face it, it’s a far superior song). While we’re on the topic, would you mind taking title to all of those sappy hick American songs written by artists using any combination of the names Billy, Bob, Randy, Rufus, and Cletus? Oh, before I forget, would you kindly take NASCAR too? Perhaps we liberal socialists are too unrefined to appreciate the subtleties of watching cars zip around a track 500 times but it’s just not to our liking.
We can take Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum By Ya, and We Are the World if you want but, frankly, those are the kind of songs your greedy corporations love to bastardize into nostalgic commercial snippets so you probably should ask your corporate masters first. Get back to us on that one.
You have offered us the oddly named “trickle up poverty.” After first taking offense we have come to the realization that we like that idea! Yes, we believe that educating and taking care of our poor allows them to slowly — but surely — rise from their station and have better lives. That way they can become fruitful citizens who take part in our democracy and contribute to the well being of our Nation!
Speaking of which…
We noticed that you didn’t mention democracy at all. It almost seems as if you don’t care about it. We’ll take it. Nor do you mention the Constitution. Once again, it almost seems as if you don’t care about it. We’ll take it. You neglect to mention our schools, particularly our higher education programs (of which you are a beneficiary) which are the envy of the world. Thank you! You ignore our charitable works and programs designed to help others throughout the world. (Why does that surprise me?). You ignored our museums, our libraries, and the other monumental structures created by the New Deal policies of Roosevelt? Ours. You mention those fascinating business-persons a bunch of times but seem to have no interest in our artists, our writers, and our other creative persons. Don’t mind if we do.
Let me save us both some time. Whatever you hate about America we’ll take. We’ll take the wretched refuse, you take the country club set. We’ll take the illegal immigrants, you take the Mayflower matrons. We’ll take the convicts, you take the criminals. You can have your sure thing, we’ll take our chances.
Good luck,
Richard D. Ross
Lawyer and Reasonable Human Being
P.S. You’re gonna make one hell of a lawyer.















