There is an email bouncing around the Internet written by third year law student John Wall in which he (humorously?) offers to divide America by party affiliation. Here’s a PDF of his proposal. Why I decided to spend two hours responding no one knows.

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Dear Mr. Wall, duly appointed representative of American conservatives, wingers, fascists, ditto-heads, and all others who believe the only relevant portion of the Constitution is the Second Amendment, et. al.:

We accept your proposal! Yes, we have stuck together since the 1950’s (since 1776 frankly), but your sad refusal to admit that the current economic crisis was caused by the eight year administration of a man who can’t spell “deficit” augers for the divorce you requested. Although we happen to think that our sides share many beliefs, your stubborn refusal to accept blame for any of the myriad issues facing this Country means our relationship must end. I would suggest we end it on friendly terms but — let’s be honest — your track record on this front is pretty poor. So we think the better alternative is to simply ignore one another. You seem pretty adept at ignoring those you don’t agree with, this should be a no-brainer. (Something else you’re good at!).

Here is a model separation agreement:

You suggest each group equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. As a law student I might have hoped you would understand the ideas of “equitable distribution” and distribution proportionally “by landmass” are two different concepts (did you mean to say proportionally by population?) but no matter: you can have the less educated, more heavily subsidized middle portion of the country that favors your party, we’ll take the better educated, more affluent coasts and big cities that favor ours. We will agree to assume responsibility for the nightmare you’ve made of New Orleans if you toss in Chicago (it’s another big smart city, you don’t want it anyway). You can have Florida, New Jersey, and Oregon. We will take all persons of color with the temerity to occupy your regions. You can have the white-priders and neo-nazi’s living in ours.

Your first offer of “redistributive taxes” is rejected. We simply don’t know what “redistributive taxes” are. If you are referring to a tax structure designed to allow our poorest persons the chance to achieve the American dream, move into the middle class (or higher), then pay back that benefit to those who come after them then, yes, we will take it. By the way, you mention you are a law student. Just as an aside, how much did you pay in taxes this year? How much did you pay in tuition? Was your tuition subsidized by State funds, donor grants, or low-interest government loans? Just asking, that’s all.

Next, thank you, we will take the so-called “liberal judges.” It will be impossible to identify them since part of the judicial code of ethics states that they are not allowed to accept party affiliation or comment about political issues but we can start by giving you the “conservative judges” like Scalia and Thomas (they are less concerned about these issues). If by “liberal judges” you mean judges who believe legislators are forbidden from passing laws that violate the Constitutional rights of American citizens then, yes, we would like those people. And we will gladly take the American Civil Liberties Union. I know they irritate you, what with their belief in the rights of citizens. Silly jerks.

Yes we hate war. We believe it is a “necessary evil” to be avoided if possible. I guess this means you like war? I’m going to go out on a limb here and surmise you’ve never served in one. In that regard you are entitled to take as much of the military as will go your way. A suggestion: you might want to keep that “likes war” stuff under wraps. Believe it or not military guys don’t really cotton to being sent to their deaths by spoiled law students who “like war.”

You cannot have all of the guns. We like guns too. We like them so much we think they should be kept locked in safes. We don’t want them stolen by children or thieves. In our experience this leads to bad things. We will continue to regulate the types of guns we allow our citizens to own. This is in accord with our reading of the Second Amendment which states that the right is necessary so far as to arm “well regulated militias.” Since you fellers think that part is superfluous you probably should take it out of whatever new Constitution your beloved corporations allow you to have.

You can have the NRA.

We’ll take Oprah (the billionaire entrepreneur), Michael Moore (a dissident who puts his hope before money), and Rosie O’Donnell (friend of Madonna). In exchange you are required to take Rush (the hypocritical junkie who used his political connections to avoid jail), Karl Rove (a man so cynical he cast your own John McCain as a traitor), and Dick Cheney (just a fucking asshole). Good luck telling them apart.

We intend to have a capitalist economy as well. Our form of capitalism will have rules designed to ensure that corporations are rewarded for producing quality products and services and disincentives for those that make money through dishonest and illegal practices. Our capitalism will reward executives and boards of directors interested in the long-term stability of corporations. We think this encourages people to invest in companies. You can have your “greedy corporations” (your word, not ours) that equates short-term selfish thinking with capitalism. We’ll take our smaller, independent stores that believe fiscal stability and quality products create loyal customers. You can have Wal-Mart and Home Depot. We will take Warren Buffet. You can have Bernie Madoff.

We will take the homeless, the “homeboys,” the “hippies,” and the illegal aliens. In that regard we will also take the Constitution and the Statue of Liberty. Let’s face it, it doesn’t sound like you have much interest in all of that “all men are created equal” and “give us your tired [and] your poor” mumbo anyway. It’s enough to make you think the Founding Fathers were some kinda socialists!

You can have the so-called “hot Alaskan hockey mom”; we’ll take Tina Fey.

You can have that “kick-ass” Jesus who rides a massive white steed, lops the heads from his enemies with a fiery sword, and cures Ted Haggard of all that icky-gayness. We’ll take the humble Jesus that washes the feet of sinners and dares rich men to enter heaven by hoarding their gains. In that vein we aren’t sure why you want those Bibles. Wouldn’t you prefer a few million poorly crafted Left Behind books instead?

You can have the rednecks, thank you.

We will practice diplomacy until it is no longer feasible. We will enter war reluctantly. You go on “hammering stuff” till you obtain peace. Oops, my bad. I forgot, you “like war” don’t you? So I guess you aren’t looking for peace then. Hmmm…well what are you looking for then? Take this Iraq thing. Ever since Bush admitted it was a mistake we’ve been having a devil of a time figuring out what the fucking point is (considering it was Afghanis and Saudis who attacked the Trade Center after all). Can you tell us?

We will gladly accept your offer of all religious beliefs. Again, this is part of that pesky Constitution thing, you don’t care I apologize for boring you. As for Shirley McClaim, we barely remember who she is, much less why we shouldn’t want her. That being said your sheer dislike of her makes her seem pretty endearing. We’ll take her!

The U.N. is in New York which we already have agreed is rightly ours so your offer is worthless. Just so you know, you will be the ONLY nation on the planet that isn’t part of the U.N. Some people might call that the courage of your convictions. Others might call it the righteous indignation of the hopelessly petulant. Six of one I suppose.

The SUVs, the pickup trucks, and the oversized luxury cars are yours. We sincerely hope you feel good about giving your hard-earned money to the oil barons you vow to “hammer.”

We, like 95% of the western world, will give our people health care, thank you. We will even give it to petulant graduate students who earn no money while they live off of the subsidized benefit of our education system. We are nothing if not charitable.

You can have the The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem so long as we get God Bless America. (Let’s face it, it’s a far superior song). While we’re on the topic, would you mind taking title to all of those sappy hick American songs written by artists using any combination of the names Billy, Bob, Randy, Rufus, and Cletus? Oh, before I forget, would you kindly take NASCAR too? Perhaps we liberal socialists are too unrefined to appreciate the subtleties of watching cars zip around a track 500 times but it’s just not to our liking.

We can take Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum By Ya, and We Are the World if you want but, frankly, those are the kind of songs your greedy corporations love to bastardize into nostalgic commercial snippets so you probably should ask your corporate masters first. Get back to us on that one.

You have offered us the oddly named “trickle up poverty.” After first taking offense we have come to the realization that we like that idea! Yes, we believe that educating and taking care of our poor allows them to slowly — but surely — rise from their station and have better lives. That way they can become fruitful citizens who take part in our democracy and contribute to the well being of our Nation!
Speaking of which…

We noticed that you didn’t mention democracy at all. It almost seems as if you don’t care about it. We’ll take it. Nor do you mention the Constitution. Once again, it almost seems as if you don’t care about it. We’ll take it. You neglect to mention our schools, particularly our higher education programs (of which you are a beneficiary) which are the envy of the world. Thank you! You ignore our charitable works and programs designed to help others throughout the world. (Why does that surprise me?). You ignored our museums, our libraries, and the other monumental structures created by the New Deal policies of Roosevelt? Ours. You mention those fascinating business-persons a bunch of times but seem to have no interest in our artists, our writers, and our other creative persons. Don’t mind if we do.

Let me save us both some time. Whatever you hate about America we’ll take. We’ll take the wretched refuse, you take the country club set. We’ll take the illegal immigrants, you take the Mayflower matrons. We’ll take the convicts, you take the criminals. You can have your sure thing, we’ll take our chances.

Good luck,

Richard D. Ross
Lawyer and Reasonable Human Being

P.S. You’re gonna make one hell of a lawyer.

The Corner:

Hugh Hewitt:

Instapundit:

Powerline:

If you think McCain’s judgment makes him a good candidate, then look no further than this little vid.

I wish I had made this…great job YouTubeGuyWhoMadeThisVideo.

There are all sorts of allegations and rumors being spread about what really happened to Cindy McCain’s wrist. (It’s broken, see picture below).

Now, however, the truth can be told. In fact it was not an enthusiastic worker who injured her hand but an enthusiastic President.

Of the United States.

We present the evidence, you rely upon your hopelessly biased mind to “decide.” Oops, that’s not right. I meant, we present the doctored photos, you act like an idiot and believe everything you’re told, no matter how implausible. Am I getting this right? Let me try again: You are dumb and gullible. These pictures are clearly photoshopped. Nevertheless, I bet you buy it.

Yes!!!!

Here are the rather damning pics…

“Can I take that Giant Beer for you Ma’am?”

“No, thank you. This is a gift for the President!”

“Gimme a smooch woman…and that beer!”

“Owww, my arm!

“Thanks for the brewdog Johnny! I know just where ta take this!”

“My arm hurts.”

“Hush it c**t.”

“Cold beer feels good on your back don’t it? Know what else’d feel good on your back? I bet you do! Heh.”

“Bend over Mipsy May, Bushey’s gonna rest his brewski on yer tramp stamp while he takes a leak.”

“Hey Welsh, you want a sip of Bush?
Heh! That’s what they call a double ententeder. I mean entranda.
I mean a double meaning…aw nuts.”

“Hold muh beer Jenna, Daddy’s gotta get his heckle on!”

“I’m your other daughter Daddy. Barbara.”

“Barbara’s your Mommy’s name silly goose! You’re Jella.”

“Phht, big deal Phelps! If there was a medal for drinkin’ I’d have like fifteen medals. At least. Prob’ly more like sixteen.”

Yes, anyway, the point is that Cindy McCain’s wrist clearly was not injured by an overwrought campaign worker but by the President of the United States as he wrestled a beer away from the gentle maiden. He then took that beer with him to China, drank it, and acted like an idiot.

Case closed.

I can’t decide my favorite part of this picture. Is it the “you best get your man in check” scowl from the black woman? How about the almost-visible “OMG, WAI” darts coming from little Babs? Is it Lady Bush’s apologetic “he’s not normally like this” look? Maybe it’s Kissinger’s “if I zink further in my zeat my friends won’t see me” scowl? Or perhaps you prefer Lady Kissinger’s accusatory “who invited the new money?” glare? Jesus even the Secret Service dude is like “I’m not with him.”

Whatever, it’s all wonderful.

Wonderful if you like seeing America look like a joke that is. For the rest of us it just sucks.

Washington State Gubernatorial candidate’s self-congratulatory press conference to announce the support of the SPD was going off without a hitch. Rossi started off with the ubiquitous Pledge of Allegiance bit (thus proving he loves America more than you). Then he started his speech with an opening so awe-inducing the shocked officers forgot to applaud (thus proving he is the greatest speaker of all time). It was going great until an uninvited cameraman dared to show up with the audacious mission of …

… taping Rossi’s speech.

Thankfully the cameraman was foolish enough to stick his head into the proverbial lion’s den/alligator’s mouth/seat of over-exuberant responders: a room full of Seattle Police Department officers. You remember those guys right? The guys who made asses out of the City by their mishandling of the WTO meetings? The guys who are so incompetent a park two blocks from their headquarters (and next door to the Courthouse) is the seat of all drug-dealing in the City? The guys who let their members join a “three badges” gang that was involved in a shooting in Sturgis last week?

Those guys…

If this isn’t George Bush’s America, what is?

First, what’s with the secrecy? This isn’t a private event where admission is charged, it’s a “press conference.” Sure the cameraman is a member of the Democratic Party but that’s not determinative. If Rossi believes in free speech why is he scared to let people hear what he has to say?

Second, this is at the Police Officer’s Guild. Maybe it’s not a wholly public building but I’d be willing to bet it meets the definition of a “quasi-public” location; particularly when it’s open to a political candidate and the press. Do the officers reflect on this or consider they may not have the unequivocal right to toss this kid out on his ear? Naw.

Third, this is an assault. (Defined as “violation of one’s personal space or touching in a way the victim deemed inappropriate.”) And any defense is abrogated by their continued conduct: even assuming the police have the right to toss the kid out of their little grup-hall, surely they have no right to put him in a choke hold outside or bust up his camera. But, as the Seattle Times reports: “Once outside they continued to argue as the officers held [the cameraman] in what he described as a ’submission hold.’”

Thankfully the ever-gracious SPD has declined to press charges against this “agitator against freedom.” Left unanswered, however, is why they aren’t pressing charges against the jack-ass-booted thug who shoved the cameraman out, repressed speech, and made their department — once again — a joke.

The Olympics have begun and Coach-In-Chief George Bush is doing his part to make sure America brings home the Gold. Here he is giving the beach volleyball gals a few last minute tips.

“Yer tall Walsh. I’m gonna make you Secretary a’ Tall Chicks!”

“Mission Accomplished! Now get over here and give old Bushie a hug!”

“Dang! I knew I shoulda left that Laura at home.

“Hold up, you got some sand on your tramp stamp.”

That’s not cold sweat wicking down your back, that’s liquid pride!

Aleksander Solzhenitsyn is dead at 89. It’s not shocking to make it to 89 — lucky, but not shocking — it’s shocking he made it to 43. That was the age at which he wrote his seminal novel One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, the novel that garnered him the mixed-bag of worldwide acclaim and Soviet wrath. Although the novel won him the Nobel Prize in Literature, it also bought him a lifetime of harassment by the KGB. He was forcibly deported from his beloved Mother Russian in 1974 after years of abuse, censorship, humiliation and pain.

Solzhenitsyn’s death reminds me of my (very brief) experience with Russian censorship. In 1990, when I was seventeen, I was part of a student exchange program that traveled to, among other places, the Ukrainian City of Lvov. Today Ukraine is an independent republic but, at that time, it was still part of the Soviet Union. And in 1990, glasnost or no, the Soviet Union still practiced censorship. Before we entered the Country we were given a list of rules to follow. Stuff like: don’t trade dollars for rubles, don’t have a good time, don’t expect to shower, you will eat chicken at all meals, don’t smile, that sort of thing. In addition they gave us a list of books we couldn’t bring in. At the top of the list — any book by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

There were only two problems with that order:

First, I only had two books with me: The Collected Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway (blurg) and The First Circle, Solzhenitsyn’s critical novel about Stalin’s political gulags. I was sick of the Hemingway and hadn’t yet finished Solzhenitsyn’s book (sucker was hard).

Second, I was the kind of little asshole who thought disobeying orders from the Supreme Soviet was “funny.”

Those two facts — and about forty-two healthy doses of Rocky IV — compelled me to “fight the man.”

Of course I needed a plan if caught. The details are a little foggy now but I recall it involving me raising my arms in a posture of surprise and saying something insincere like “how did that get in there!?” This is the kind of gambit I’d successfully pulled in the past with my Mom (”that’s not water in your vodka bottle, that’s condensation!”) and in school (”some wise-guy taped a cheat sheet to my hat brim!”), so I figured it’d work with the Russians too.

As we crept closer to the border my bravery began to erode. I started to fidget and sweat. I talked nervously about my plan. I started to formulate alternative plans, like sticking the book in “sleeping kid’s” bag. Or eating the book (which, in hindsight, would have been preferable to Lvovian cuisine). Ultimately I consoled myself with the fact the book was buried deep in my bag and wouldn’t be found.

At the checkpoint soldiers boarded our bus. Armed soldiers. (As Colonel Jessup might have said: “Is there any other kind?”) It was then that they told us to do something I hadn’t contemplated: Take our books out of our bags and hold them over our heads.

Shit.

At this point I had two choices: pretend the book wasn’t there (and risk some serious repercussions if they found it in my luggage) or stay true to my “oops, I did it again” gambit. Petrified with fear I chose the dumber of the two options: I held the book up high over my head and tried to inconspicuously conceal it’s bright red cover behind some travel guides and that damned Hemingway crap. Not good.

At this point all bravado was gone. I was petrified. My fear of the “secret police” was such that if a secretly-emigrating Solzhenitsyn was sitting next to me I’d have been the first to rip off his fake beard (used to conceal his real beard of course), and hand him over to Big Brother. I would have given the long-dead Lenin CPR. I would have willing eaten borscht. I was desperate.

Four minutes later the ordeal was over. No books were confiscated. Frankly it seemed the “scary Russian soldiers” were more interested in the cute American girls on our bus than they were the skinny little jerk doing his part for perestroika. It took a solid hour for the cold sweat on my back to dry.

The Soviet Union is gone now — replaced by oil men and rampant, unabashed “capitalism” — so it’s easy to underappreciate the bravery of a Solzhenitsyn. A man who risked his life for freedom and free thought. Who stood up to the harshness of Soviet control.

But we can’t. As my stupid little escapade shows, words alone — though important — aren’t enough. To change a nation, its thoughts, a people, their feelings, and the system it takes guts, bravery, and fortitude.

Solzhenitsyn had them all.

Rapper Ludacris got all excited about Obama and decided to put out a song. It’s your standard endorsement from a celebrity-type — he calls Hillary a “bitch,” he says McCain is “crippled,” he calls Bush “retarded” — you know the routine.

This is gonna put a serious damper on Luda’s plans to rename himself “Sensable.”